Mistletoe Mommy Page 19

  “No. You’ve made it clear what I am to you.”

  Except it wasn’t clear. Not at all. Not when the prospect of her leaving, of her returning to that life, filled him with more dread than he’d ever known. He’d thought that Will coming to his home to tell him Diana was dead was the worst moment of his life.

  But watching Nellie prepare to leave was nearly as difficult.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Nellie had always known that theirs was a marriage of convenience. She’d always known that Luke would never stop loving Diana, and that he would always be so blinded by that love that he’d never be able to love anyone else.

  But she’d never imagined he’d treat her with such contempt.

  As she went to her room to pack her bag, she tried to think of what she could tell the children, how she could express her love so they’d understand she was leaving to keep them safe.

  “Nellie...”

  Luke called to her, but she found she couldn’t turn to face him again. Couldn’t bear to see the accusations in his eyes and the hatred for a woman who’d deceived him. She hadn’t thought of it as deceit at the time, but she’d also been deceiving herself.

  “Please, Nellie. I need to apologize. I was too harsh.” He followed her into her bedroom, leaving the door open, but the space still felt too confining.

  “You were honest,” she said quietly, looking at the knitted blanket on her bed, the one she’d worked on in the evenings while the children did their lessons. Did this blanket belong to her, or should she leave it for Luke and the children?

  “I was angry. My home had been turned upside down, quite literally, and I found out that the woman I married was not the woman I thought her to be.”

  Nellie turned and looked at him, not bothering to hide the tears that had started falling again. “But that’s just it. I am the same woman I’ve always been.”

  “You can’t leave us,” he said. “What about the children? What will we do without you?”

  She hadn’t thought about that, how much Luke needed her help with the children. And the housekeeping. And all the other tasks a wife who was not a true wife did.

  “You have an extra room now. You can hire a housekeeper.”

  Nellie dug at the place in her waistband where she kept her coins and pulled them out. “Here. This should help. I have a few more in my old shoes. It’s not much, but it can go toward fixing what I’ve made a mess of.”

  Luke didn’t take the money she offered. His hands remained at his sides, and he stared at her. “I don’t want your money. I want you to stay. Please. I will spend the rest of my life making up for my thoughtless words. Just stay.”

  A few hours ago, that request might have been enough. But as she’d listened to Luke berate her for endangering his family, she’d realized that all of the feelings she’d been having for him were not returned. Luke would never love her. He just had a use for her.

  Which made him no different from the men who paid Big Jim for her services. At least those men never pretended to care about her. Never made her feel like she could be something more than what she was.

  “I meant what I said about wanting to protect your family. Will means well, but Big Jim and his men have a lot of power. I don’t think Will understands how dangerous they are. I do. I’m not going to put the people I love at risk.”

  Three faces peered into the doorway, and the pain written on them brought a new level of despair to Nellie. She didn’t want to go back to that life. Nor did she want to leave them. But what else was she supposed to do?

  “Please, Nellie, you have to stay,” Ruby said, entering the room.

  The pain in the little girl’s eyes was almost too much for Nellie to bear. Maeve squeezed through the people crowded at Nellie’s bedroom door and ran to Nellie.

  “Newwie. Pwease don’t go ’way.”

  Nellie couldn’t help but lift Maeve into her arms. What had she been told about her mother’s death? Did Maeve just think that her mother had gone away and never come back? Nellie would be doing the same thing, in a sense.

  “I have to,” Nellie said. “You don’t understand how bad these men are. They won’t hurt you if I leave.”

  Obviously, they’d been determined enough to continue watching Mabel’s house and to find out that Nellie—Ruby—had written. Or perhaps they’d threatened Mabel somehow, told her that if she had any contact with Nellie, she had to tell them or risk something terrible. She’d heard them threaten Mabel that the next time she helped Nellie, it wouldn’t just be the barn they burned down.

  A sick feeling filled Nellie’s stomach. Were Mabel and her family all right?

  Nellie looked past the children to Will, standing behind Luke. “If you want to help someone, please, help my sister. They got my information from Mabel. I don’t know if they hurt her, or threatened her, or what they did to her. I know it’s terribly expensive, but can you send a telegram?”

  Will nodded. “I will. But I want you to do something for me in return.”

  “Anything.” Nellie held Maeve closer to her. Protecting these children, protecting her sister, was the only thing that mattered to her.

  “Stay. Let us capture Big Jim and his men. I know you’re worried about the safety of your sister, but if you don’t let the law deal with Big Jim, he’s going to hurt other women, other people’s sisters. Other people’s children. Let’s think about them, too. He might have sway with the law where you’re from, but me and my men, we’re always on the side of justice.”

  Nellie took a deep breath. She hadn’t thought of it that way. Will had tried to tell her something similar earlier, but she’d been too focused on Big Jim’s power. None of the lawmen she’d gone to before had even tried to get her to stand up to Big Jim. They’d told her she was in the wrong and sent her back. Will wanted to help her. That had to count for something in a world where no one else had been willing before.

  “All right,” she said, exhaling a long breath. “We can try it your way. But if you fail, I’m going back with him, and that’s that.”

  Will gave a nod. “Fair enough.”

  “Not fair enough.” Luke spun to face Will. “This is my wife we’re talking about. I can’t just let her go.”

  “You have to,” Nellie said. “I’m not giving you a say in this matter. Even if Big Jim goes to jail, I can’t be your wife anymore.”

  Luke turned his gaze back to Nellie. “What do you mean?”

  She’d thought she’d been certain of her decision to marry Luke, that it would solve all of her problems. But now she knew that it only delayed facing them. And created more. They’d thought they could build a friendship where there was no love, but as the scenes of their marriage replayed in Nellie’s head, she couldn’t do it anymore. Talking with Laura, even though Laura didn’t know all the details, had made Nellie realize that she’d settled for far too little.

  “I believe we have plenty of grounds for an annulment. It won’t hamper your ability to marry again, if you choose,” Nellie said. “But I hope that if you do, you marry for love. I thought that since my first marriage was not one of love, I could be married again without love so long as the man treated me well. But I can’t. A marriage without love is nothing more than a business arrangement, and I’m tired of being used for someone else’s convenience. If what I’ve given you is all you want from a woman, then you should follow Mrs. Heatherington’s instructions and find a housekeeper.”

  Nellie looked at the children, whose faces were full of sadness and confusion. “If I get to stay in Leadville, I’ll always be here for you as your friend. You can come to me for anything, anytime. But once all this is settled, I have to find a job and a new place to live.”

  Luke took a step toward her. “You can’t be serious.”

  “I am,” Nellie said. “I’ve been tol
d I have skill as a seamstress, and I’m sure I can find employment.”

  “But you have a home here.”

  Confusion was written all over Luke’s face, and Nellie didn’t entirely blame him. She’d agreed to this arrangement, and now she was backing out without warning. Luke had been right that everything in his life was turned upside down suddenly.

  “I’ll stay until you can find a housekeeper.”

  “I don’t want a housekeeper,” Luke said. “I want you.”

  Nellie shook her head as she looked down at the little girl in her arms. Even being a mother to this dear child wasn’t enough.

  “That’s not possible. If I’m to be married, I want a real marriage.” Tears filled her eyes as Nellie shook her head. “And you don’t. You’re still holding on to someone I can never be.”

  Luke opened his mouth like he wanted to argue, but then he closed it. As much as it hurt to realize that he didn’t return her feelings, there was something freeing in stating what she wanted. To finally chart the course of her own life, not out of desperation, but out of confidence in who she was.

  Maybe she’d never find a man to love her. And that was all right. But if she found her freedom in this fight, she wasn’t going to squander it by remaining in a situation where the man she married didn’t love her.

  That, at least, was a lesson she’d learned by being here. She’d seen the love Seamus had for Myrna. The love between Annabelle and her husband, as well as the deep affection shared among other couples at their church. Didn’t Nellie deserve that for herself?

  Nellie took a breath as she looked at Will. “If you think it safe enough, I’ll remain here for the time being. But I would like to visit the pastor to speak with him about the women’s ministry. While I am not in the same dire straits as the women it serves, I do wish to know my options as a woman alone. I’m not so naive as to think that it will be easy without a man’s protection. But if they can do it, so can I.”

  Speaking those words made Nellie feel stronger than she had in a long time. She hadn’t wanted to mention Laura by name, but knowing how Laura had overcome her bad situation gave Nellie the courage that she could do the same, as well. Though she was still willing to go with Big Jim if that was what it took to protect the children, the hopeless desperation that had filled her when he’d shown up had disappeared.

  “I have no doubt that you’ll be fine,” Will said, giving her a smile. “And for now, I’d prefer you stay here, inside, until I know more about the situation. I’m going to go back to the office to see what I can find out about Big Jim, as well as any known associates he might have in the area. I’ll ask Frank to pay you a visit.”

  Will’s speech was addressed to her, and to her alone. Something about the respect in that bolstered Nellie’s confidence, making her believe that it just might be possible to escape Big Jim once and for all, without having to look over her shoulder in fear.

  “Thank you,” Nellie said. “I’d appreciate that.”

  Will glanced at the children briefly, then back at Nellie. “I know your main concern is for the children. Rest assured that they will be safe. I will have one of my most trusted men outside at all times.”

  He made a motion with his hand at the window, and within moments, the door opened, and a man entered. “Did you need something?”

  “This is Owen Hamilton. There is no one I would trust more with my own family.” Will turned his attention to Owen. “I’m going to do some investigating and make some arrangements. I need you to remain here and keep watch. We don’t know if Big Jim is here alone or if he’s got men, so I would feel better if someone stayed here.”

  Owen tipped his hat at her. “Ma’am.” He turned and gave a slight nod to Luke, then brought his gaze back to Will. “Would you mind letting Lena know that I might be a while? I know my sister was hoping to slip out to do some last-minute shopping for the girls, so I want her to have the chance to make other arrangements.”

  “Will do. I’ll see if Mary can give her a hand. I know how much your girls enjoy playing with our little Rosabelle.”

  Owen grinned. “Babies are hard to resist.”

  As Nellie watched the interaction between the men and how dearly they valued their families, she felt even safer. These men didn’t pay lip service to caring about women and children. Being family men themselves, they understood what was at stake and wouldn’t take unnecessary risks to capture Big Jim.

  Now, more than ever, Nellie could believe that she might finally be safe. And as she looked around at the children, she knew they would be, too.

  * * *

  Luke wasn’t used to feeling invisible. But as he watched the interaction between Nellie and the lawmen, he wondered if they even remembered he existed. But as the men turned to leave, Will gestured at him to follow.

  They stepped outside, and Will addressed him. “Right now, we need to do everything to keep Nellie from running. She needs to feel like she’s in a safe place. If she thinks the children are in any danger, she will leave, and those men will take her—and I think you know what happens then.”

  Luke swallowed. He was starting to get a pretty good idea, and he didn’t like it, not one bit. Especially because he was now remembering all the times Nellie had acted afraid of him. Those men had done that to her.

  “So we use her as bait?” He shook his head. “Even if the children weren’t here, this is Nellie we’re talking about. What if they hurt her?”

  Will shrugged. “What’s it to you? From where I stand, Nellie is nothing more to you than a nanny and housekeeper. You’ll find another.”

  “She is my wife!” Luke was tired of listening to everyone act like he had no feelings at all for Nellie.

  “You sure don’t treat her like one,” Will said, looking over at Owen. “His sister is taking care of his family, but even he acts with more compassion toward Lena than you do to Nellie.”

  Seamus’s lectures about how Luke treated Nellie were nothing compared to this. Those hadn’t made Luke feel so hollow inside.

  “What are you saying?”

  Will shrugged. “If you have any desire to keep your wife, then you’d best start thinking about how to win her heart. It’s the only reason you’ll get her to stay. If you’re not interested in her heart, then let her go.”

  The thought of not having Nellie in his life made Luke’s heart ache in a most painful way. But he wasn’t sure he was ready to love another woman besides Diana.

  “You don’t understand what I’ve been through,” Luke finally said.

  Owen stepped forward. “I understand more than you think. I helped put the men who killed your wife in jail. I will do everything I can to make sure you don’t bury a second wife. Not only am I committed to protecting her now, but if she chooses to go it alone after, she will not be without assistance.”

  Then Owen looked him up and down, a measuring look. “I know what it’s like to have to raise children on your own. It’s not easy. I will always be grateful to my sister for being willing to help with my girls. But to take a wife means you owe her more than a comfortable place to live. If you can’t give her your heart...” Owen shook his head. “I suppose that’s why I haven’t remarried. I never want my daughters to think they should ever settle for anything less than a man who loves them with all their heart. If that’s what you want for your children, don’t you think you should set that example?”

  Luke had given them that example. Only, Diana had died. But Owen’s intense gaze told him that the other man wasn’t going to accept that excuse.

  “I suppose I should be getting back to my family,” Luke said instead.

  Will nodded. “We’ve got work to do.”

  Wishing he’d had better answers for the men, Luke went back inside. Nellie had left her room and was in the kitchen, setting it to rights.

  �
�What can I do?” Luke asked.

  “Nothing,” Nellie said flatly. “This is my job.”

  She hadn’t meant to hurt him, Luke realized, mostly because she didn’t think she had the power to. Despite all the small gestures he’d thought showed her he cared, it hadn’t been enough.

  “Do you really think that’s all you are to me?”

  She stared at him, the blank look telling him everything he needed to know.

  More important, though, as he looked at the tiredness lining her face, he finally saw the brokenness he’d been looking past all this time. When he’d first met her, he knew she carried deep wounds, and he’d hoped that one day she’d share those with him. She had, in a most painful way, and he’d reacted badly.

  “I’m sorry, Nellie. Sorry for a good many things, and I can’t even begin to express them. Because the more I’m here with you, the more I realize how much I’ve wronged you. I do care about you, and I’ve done the worst job of showing it. Please give me the chance to make it right.”

  Her face softened, but doubt remained in her eyes. “There’s no room in your heart for me. Not when every other thought you have is about Diana.”

  She turned, then picked up the bowl she’d been using to store the broken pieces of dishes Big Jim had destroyed on his rampage. “Ruby, can you keep Maeve and Amos out of here for a while? I’m finding a lot more broken glass than I first thought, and I don’t want anyone stepping in it. I’d appreciate it if you all stayed upstairs until we get things cleaned up.”

  Luke hated how Nellie had grown so cold so quickly. Wasn’t it just a couple nights ago that they’d finally come to a place of warmth? Where they’d thought they could finally build a real life together? Or had it been just him?

  Though someone had already righted their poor Christmas tree, many of the ornaments still lay on the floor, strewn about in one big mess. One of Diana’s precious glass ornaments that she’d saved from her parents looked like it had been crushed by a man’s boot. There would be no salvaging it.